


Magis After the War

by akirajumps



Series: Magis After the War [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Bathtubs, Cohabitation, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Five Stages of Grief, Fluff, Grief, Illusions, Kissing, LGBT, LGBTQ Character, Magic, Meeting the Parents, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Minor Character Death, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Psychological Torture, Rebellion, Rebels, Sharing a Bed, dealing with grief, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-03-05 11:49:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akirajumps/pseuds/akirajumps
Summary: Following a rebellion against the oppressive regime of the Empire, Mido and Jensa are finally safe from persecution and annihilation. Even with the supernatural abilities they were born with known as Magis; however, there are still scars they must bear from the fight.Magis After the War is a sequel series to the yet-unpublished-on-AO3 series Magis Before the War, which is currently a WIP in my files. I look forward to sharing it with you once Magis After the War is completed!





	1. Fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensa won't talk to Mido about what happened no matter what Mido does. Something's got to give.

Probably the first thing I noticed – really noticed and hated – was that dressing was so much more difficult. You really take advantage of those ten fingers, those two arms, when you’re pulling on pants or getting out of a sweatshirt.

Dressing took nearly three times the amount of minutes it used to when I dressed for the first time out of the hospital. Jensa arrived before I even had my pants on and I had to open the door in my underwear. She helped – of course, because she’s Jensa – silently, _so dead fucking silently_ pulled my pants up to my waist and buttoned them.

She didn’t know how to act, where to look. Certainly not at my face. Her eyes were always below my waistline, below the stump that my left arm now was. It had been cut off just above the elbow, and she absolutely refused to acknowledge it. I was happy I had managed to get my shirt on before she came, otherwise she would have had to see the scar across my back too, the one that kept me in physical therapy for weeks before I could even walk.

“Jensa,” I called softly, making her flinch. It was a few seconds before she answered.

“Yes?”

“… Nothing. Sorry.” It had been a long time since Jensa had said more than a few words to me. It was like she couldn’t accept what I had done, done for her no less. She moved to the door as I looked around for my bag.

“I’ll be outside,” she mumbled before stepping out, not noticing the three pills I poured into my mouth. My hand hurt. The one that wasn’t there anymore hurt so much. I knew the pain was phantom. My brain was lying to me, and still it hurt, even as I stared down as if to prove to myself that, yes, _that arm is gone. It can’t hurt anymore_.

I followed Jensa out, slowly but with purpose.

“Shopping today right? That’s good, I’ll get some walking in.” My smile was fake and I’m sure she could tell, but it didn’t matter. So long as I could be with her for the day, be in such close proximity that I could feel her body heat, it would be okay.

It was a slow, _slow-ass_ march to the commerce district, plenty of time for both Jensa and I to become extremely uncomfortable with the silence. My shopping for the day was food, with a new apartment I’d need to stock up. Jensa had failed to mention why she was coming, so I was pretty certain it was just to help me carry bags.

My ability to teleport was almost useless now too. When Larimer had fucked with my head, he must have broken something in there. Teleporting took so much more work now. Even for a few jumps within the city, I was exhausted. Attempting to teleport into my Room seemed entirely impossible no matter how many times I tried and no matter how much I focused.

“… Do you want me to carry that?” Jensa asked quietly, eyeing the bag in my one hand and the list I had clamped between my other arm and chest.

“Huh? Oh, sure,” I handed the bag over to her, transferring the list to the nearest flat surface so I could mark off what I had already gotten. When I turned back around to continue shopping however, Jensa was looking away again.

I looked at the floor, smiling bitterly but saying nothing.

\--

By the time we were done shopping, Jensa had four bags and I had one. Still not talking to me, no matter how many times I tried to start a conversation.

“Mercenary bitch.”

I almost didn’t register the words; they had been said so quietly. I turned to peek at who had said them and at whom, stopping short when realized his eyes were on me.

“What?” I snarled back, ready and very much so willing to go toe to toe with this asshole. I had had a crappy day and could use a good reason to fight. “What did you just call me?”

“Step off, bitch,” he sniggered, stepping away as if he didn’t think I wanted to fight.

“No really,” I insisted. “What did you mean by it. I’m _dying_ to know.”

Jensa pulled on my shoulder, quietly urging me to back down.

“Let go,” I growled at her, not in the mood to be nice.

“Why are you letting this bitch walk all over you, Angel of Boro’dan?” the man directed at Jensa. “She betrayed her comrades. She should be in jail.”

“I did what was right,” I snapped back, pulling his attention back to me.

“You’re just a murderer who only fights for the winning side.”

I punched him square in the face, nearly knocking myself over in the process. Missing an arm really threw off my balance. Jensa yanked me backwards, finally looking me in the eye.

“What are you doing?!”

“Fighting him! What the fuck does it look like?!” I shouted back, trying to knock her hand off my shoulder so I could continue doing so.

“… We’re leaving. Come on.” She started to walk away, dragging me with her.

“Let go!” I roared, digging my feet in.

“No.”

“You aren't in charge of me!”

“Mido, you lost your arm being an idiot, so yeah, I am.”

I slapped her as hard as I could and she finally let go of me, only slightly more stunned than I was. Her eyes immediately moved away from mine.

“ _Look_ at me Jensa!” I screamed, grabbing her by the shirt front. “Look at my arm! _It’s gone_ , okay?! Gone! Forever! It’s never coming back! Understand?! Don’t you dare say it was because I was being an idiot! I was trying to protect _you_ , asshole!!”

Jensa’s eyes froze on the floor. “… You what?”

“I went back for a reason, you know. Larimer was sure I’d leave you behind, and I almost did. I almost did exactly as you said and I almost got you killed. I went back because I didn’t want you to die. It wasn’t because I wasn’t thinking.”

“… Why?”

I looked at the ground, releasing her shirt. “It’s it obvious?”

Jensa’s eyebrows went up, extremely confused. “No. It isn’t. Explain it to me.”

I could feel my face getting hot, tears rising in the bottom of my eyes.

Ugh. My chest hurt, worse than my arm that wasn’t even there. It spread up to my throat, making it hard to breathe.

“Mido?”

A portal opened.

Directly under my feet. I could feel myself falling, confused. This was my portal, I knew that, I could feel it. Jensa reached out for me but I was gone before we could even touch fingers.

“Jen-!”

I fell out the other side.

“-sa!”

My feet hit the ground at an odd angle, knocking me onto my back only to continue falling down a steep hill. By the time I rolled to a stop at the bottom, I had cuts and burns all over my face and arms.

“Ow. Shit. What the fuck?” I blinked, trying to remember why this place seemed so nostalgic. It was green everywhere, even up near the ceiling.

“Ceiling?”

I twisted my neck around, looking for the end of the room and only finding it a few hundred feet away in one direction, farther than that in the other. It was similar to my Room in shape.

But this was bright enough it had to be lit by the sun. Even with the grass spreading out every direction, the ceiling was a surreal turquoise almost too bright to look at.

Yeah, I had seen this place before – twice to be exact. The first time was the night Jensa razed the prison in my Room, the second was while I was recuperating in therapy one night. It had never felt so solid though. The grass felt real this time.

Wait. Fuck. I was just having an argument with Jensa.

“Jensa?!”

No answer. So, she didn’t fall in with me. Was this another one of my Rooms? Did I have more than one?

I looked up at the hill I had just finished falling down, finally seeing a door at the top. I trekked back up, circling it slowly. Its panels were painted white and the rest green. My Room had always had one door if I came in or out, but more had been added as the prison was built. But the door in my Room had been a _hole_ in one of the walls. This was completely constructed _door_.

I had to admit, I was curious; opened the door without much thought as to what would happen.

“Hmm.” It was still black, just like usual. I was half expecting it to be white. I stuck my hand into the darkness and was immediately yanked through. My stomach lurched sideways as the gravity changed.

“Mido!”

Jensa yanked me into a bear hug, nearly suffocating me against her.

“Where were you?! What happened?! Are you okay?!”

“Yeah…” I pulled my face away from her chest to breathe, noticing the guy who had called me a bitch laying on his back groaning. “Jensa… what did you do?”

“Did he send you somewhere?!” she continued, not letting me go.

“Huh? Wait. Jensa… who do you think teleported me?”

“He said he couldn’t but…”

“It was mine…” I sighed, petting her hair, “I’m fine. Thanks for backing me up.”

Jensa’s hand brushed against my bad arm and she dropped me immediately. My teeth snapped together and I resisted the urge to start shouting again.

“Let’s go,” she muttered, picking the groceries back up and heading back towards my apartment.

“… Yeah.”

I kept my head down to be sure she couldn’t see my face. Embarrassed. I was so embarrassed.

We didn’t talk and she didn’t look at me as we walked back. Even when she was unlocking my door for me, she didn’t say anything. Even after she left my bags in the kitchen.

“See you tomorrow then,” she said quietly, going immediately to the door and leaving.

I stared at the door for a few seconds before the tears finally started coming out, clouding my eyes. I fell to a crouch, wrapping my arm around my knees. I really loved Jensa. I wanted her to know that. I was going to tell her that. And she didn’t want to look at me let alone touch me.

“Mido? Sorry, I think I left my keys in one of the bags, can I…?”

I looked up, Jensa was standing at the door, a mix of anger and confusion on her face. I yanked my stump against my stomach so it was hidden behind my legs.

“Yeah, sorry, I haven’t put anything away yet, so go ahead,” I said quickly, wiping at my face unsuccessfully as I continued crying.

“… Why are you crying?”

“I’m not,” I insisted.

“Yeah. You are. Why?” She stepped out of the doorway and sat down a foot away.

“I’m not. It’s nothing. Get your keys.”

“Mido.” She reached towards me.

“Don’t touch me!” I pleaded. “Please just… don’t.”

She ignored me, moving forward again and pushing my legs out of the way. She paused once more when she saw my stump.

“Don’t touch me!!” I screamed, slapping her hand away and crawling backwards away from her. “Don’t touch me! Don’t look at me! Just get your keys and _leave_!”

“… Mido.”

“Get out! Get away from me!” I screamed, desperately hoping she would simply obey. My arm was hurting more, even my phantom fingers tingling painfully. She still wouldn’t listen though, kept trying to talk around my screaming at her.

“Mido, what is wrong?!”

“ _You won’t even look at me anymore_!” I cried, knocking against the couch and realizing I could crawl no further. “You won’t…! You won’t look at me… Or talk to me… Or touch me anymore…! Every time you see…” My chest throbbed painfully, mimicking the pulses of pain shooting down my arm. “Please go back to the way it was… When you liked me…” My voice hitched painfully in my throat, making it hard to breathe.

“Mido…”

“I love you so much…” I whispered quietly between sobs and hiccups, hoping simultaneously that she would and would not hear me. “Please just look at me again…!”

Jensa yanked me up off the ground and slammed me back down on the couch, arms on either side of my head; finally, _finally_ looking me in the eye. “What did you just say?”

“It’s stupid…” I mumbled, shaking my head. “Never mind. Never mind, it doesn’t matter.”

“You love me…?” she asked softly.

“I said it doesn’t matt-”

Oh holy shit.

Oh holy fuck she was kissing me.

My fingers hurt as if they were breaking.

“Stop…!” I shoved her away. “Ow!”

I wrapped my fingers around the base of the stump, hoping maybe the contact would tell my brain that those fingers were gone. It didn’t. It felt like my fingers were trying to break their own tendons. “Ugh…!”

Jensa’s hand dropped down on my shoulder. “What’s wrong? Does it hurt?”

“My fingers…!” I whined softly.

“… You don’t have fingers anymore.”

“I know but they hurt…!”

She stared at me for a moment and I wasn’t sure what she was thinking.

“Come here. I’ve got an idea.” Jensa picked me up and carried me to the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet mirror and having me stand perpendicular to it. “Okay,” she started calmly, covering my left eye, “put your hands on either side of the mirror.”

“I don’t -”

“Just do it,” she insisted, hands on my shoulders.

I looked at the floor but obeyed.

“Look at your hand and clench both your fists.”

“I don’t _have_ f-”

“Mido.” Her voice was low, serious.

I shook my head but again did as I was told. It was a weird sensation, clenching the left fist when there was nothing there to clench. I could feel it, but at the same time there was a feeling of nothingness, like there was no air to touch my skin.

“Now release them.”

I blinked. It was like all the tension had been pushed out of my arm. The half-limb bumped into my side as I let it down, relieved to be free of the pain I had been feeling all day.

“Has that happened before?” Jensa asked me, whispering softly into my ear.

“A few times during rehab,” I answered quietly, “I just asked for a healer.”

She nodded, stepping forward until I could feel her presence on my back.

“… You know; I love you too.” Her arms encircled my waist gently, letting her words sink in.

“When I found out you had lost your arm, and that you might not walk again, I got scared. Really scared. I was scared that it was my fault, because you jumped in front of that guy’s swing. Even after you started going to physical therapy and started to get the feeling back in your feet, I was scared that he had broken you.”

Jensa pushed the medicine cabinet door closed to watch my reactions to her words. I turned my eyes towards the sink, embarrassed.

“I was afraid that if I acknowledged the fact that your arm was gone, you’d have to too.”

I stiffened involuntarily. I had denied it at first. That was when the worst impossible pain was, when I was trying to move an arm that no longer existed.

“But obviously,” she kissed the back of my neck softly, “that wasn’t what you needed.” This time on the shoulder. “You needed me to see you,” she gently raised what remained of my left arm, “including this.”

I kept my eyes firmly on the floor, blushing an absurd color I’m sure.

“Hey. You heard me say I love you right?”

I nodded vigorously.

“Good. Can I kiss you again?”

Another vigorous nod before her fingers were wrapped around my back, mine only holding half of hers.


	2. Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mido's house is broken into. Obviously the next thing to do is move in with Jensa, right?

It was a few weeks after that Jensa came to my apartment to discover me cleaning glass shards off the floor. Someone had thrown a rock through my front window.

“What happened?”

“The window broke,” I said simply. “I’ll have to get it replaced. Want to come with me?”

Her eyes moved over the floor. “Did someone break it?”

I gathered the last of the shards into a pile before sweeping into the dustpan. “I think so. There was a rock on the floor.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t home when it happened.”

“No, I mean, are you _okay_?”

I thought for a moment, wondering where my feelings of fear and whatever else I was supposed to feel might be. “Yeah. I wasn’t home. It was probably an accident.”

Jensa nodded, obviously unsatisfied by my answer. “I know someone who can come and look at it for you. I’ll go and see him tomorrow. In the meantime, how about you just stay at my place?”

The glass clattered into the trashcan loudly. Living with Jensa. Wasn’t I getting a bit too excited at the idea?

Half of my couch fell into a portal.

Jensa eyed it, confused for a moment, before looking back at me. “Why?”

I sighed. Loudly. That had had happened three times since I had mistakenly fallen into the sunlit room. Could it simply be classified as a Room, like the black one? At the very least a different name, right?

“Sorry. That’s happened a couple times. It’s a portal to who knows where, and they keep opening randomly. Could you…? Help me get it out. The portal won’t close if there’s something in the way and at this rate it’ll kill me to keep it open longer.”

Jensa laughed quietly but lifted the couch out easily. The portal closed again and she put the couch back down.

“Does that happen often when I’m not here?” she laughed, still amused. “I can only imagine you trying to pull the sofa out yourself.”

I laughed bitterly. I had fallen through my bathroom door earlier this morning. Reached for the doorknob, was greeted with absolutely nothing, and my forward motion carried me through. Ended up with a face full of hill once more. Another in the wall of my kitchen while I was making lunch. “It’s been fun,” I growled sarcastically. I hadn’t had so many random portals popping open since I was a child.

“Still though, my offer stands. I’m closer to your physical therapist too. It’d be good if you didn’t have to walk so far.”

I rubbed my back unconsciously. It was still hard to get out of bed in the mornings. Going anywhere took so much longer now that I had to rest every half hour when my feet started to go numb.

That stupid woman flashed into my head and I frowned. I couldn’t even remember her face. It had been so long ago that I killed her, the first life I took in the revolt. And I couldn’t even remember who she was. Still though, she’d wake me up at night, strangling me, or slicing me open with the sword I had teleported into her.

I had woken up screaming because of her a lot, especially since losing my arm.

Like there was any way I’d let Jensa know that.

“Um… no. It’s fine. It’s better if I walk more, to build my endurance.” I couldn’t get my laugh to be reassuring, but she nodded.

“Okay, but if something comes up, let me know.”

\--

A few days later – window replaced – there was another rock on my floor. Two weeks after that, three more rocks to throw outside once more. I was home when the first smashed through the right-most pane, accompanied by snickers and a shouted “Mercenary!” The second rock went through the newly opened hole and the second shattered the middle pane. More words, I couldn’t hear them. They were running by the time I got to the window to see who had done it.

Augh, I didn’t care.

I grabbed my bag off the coat rack and shuffled outside, locking the door behind me before heading off to physical therapy. I didn’t have an appointment today, but I wanted to walk around for a while without having to worry about collapsing. I just wanted to walk until my feet were numb. I just… I wasn’t interested in caring anymore.

I wasn’t interested in so actively ignoring the stares and whispers at my back. I wasn’t interested in so actively avoiding the more militaristic districts. A forty-five-minute walk got me to the therapist, though most of the workers had gone home. I let myself in and made a fifteen-minute trek up to the third floor, where it was usually empty.

The bars were at the back of the room, unused in a very long time. It was a wonder why they were here at all. No one who needed the bars would be able to make it up the stairs.

I set my bag down and walked over to them, stretching my gait as wide as I could manage. My legs hurt from disuse. I probably wouldn’t be able to run around a battlefield ever again; not that I’d need to.

My fingers were shaking. I hadn’t tried to open a portal in some time. After months of failed attempts only to teleport a few times before hitting my limit, there wasn’t much use to them now. I needed to walk more anyway.

But this was important.

I needed to get back into my Room.

I sat, focusing all my energy to the door I needed to open. Larimer flashed into my mind, the ruins I knew I would find in there, but I put them aside. The Room would be smaller, I knew. My ability had been pushed beyond its limit by Larimer, and the rebound would have devastated anything inside.

Door. That black door that opened into that black room. The one that felt like a membrane of water between worlds, pulling the air of reality off your skin and replacing it with the fog of that place.

I opened my eyes to a thin crack through the air, so small I could have easily missed it.

But I needed it bigger. I held out my hand to it, forced it open until I could reach my hand through it.

My head felt like it was going to explode. I yanked my hand out and it immediately snapped shut. I fell onto my back, keeping my breath steady to match the throbbing pulse in my head. I had pulled it too far too fast.

Shit.

This was going to take longer than I thought. I dragged myself over to the bag I had left on the floor, pulling the first water bottle out and chugging the entire thing down.

Again. I needed to get that portal open.

Again and again and again.

After ten tries I could barely keep my eyes open, crying in pain from the ache in my head. The feeling somehow felt familiar. Had Larimer done this until I managed to control the portal with such ease? That had to be enough for today. I rolled onto my side against the wall, unable to move more than that.

I’d start again in a few hours. Until I could get it to open for long enough for me to get through. Twice. One in, one out. Then I wouldn’t have to rely on Jensa for an apartment. I could live in the Room.

A few hours passed faster than I thought they would, and I slept for most of it. By the time I opened my eyes again, the ache had become dull. I raised my arm once more and concentrated on that unique feeling of the Room.

This time I could make it last long enough for me to inspect its edges, jagged as they were. Having a portal close on you was a surreal experience. For one thing, if there’s something in the way a portal won’t close automatically. And if it stays open too long, the teleporter will die.

I would not be using the portal until I was sure I could keep it open for long enough to get through.

“Fuck.”

This was taking too long. How had Larimer done it so easily? I had known how to get into my Room before meeting him, but it was with his power that I grew it to a size that could house an entire prison.

Ugh. His office, that hateful room. Always in there did he slip those controlling words into me. He made me unable to abandon or betray him. It made me sick just thinking about it.

My mind turned to Jensa instead, remembering the first time she brought me out of Larimer’s haze. She had told me it had taken hours to get inside the illusion he had me trapped in, to break my out of my own mind before it killed me for trying to betray him. The back of my eyes ached from the memory of being gouged out, over and over again.

I had wanted to die. I had wanted to give up.

_This isn’t real! You are your own person! Wake up already!_

I sighed, “How long ago was that?” I asked myself. “Seems like… has to have been at least a year… Just a year between…” I stopped, suddenly painfully aware of my missing arm. I sat up again, focusing on the memory of pain always accompanied with Larimer.

Pain. Larimer. Jensa. War. Arm. Pain. Scared.

I think my nose started to bleed. I could feel something tickling my lip before making its way down my chin. Still though, I refused to let the portal close.

It was perfect.

I had managed to open a perfect portal.

Ah shit.

The blood was rushing to my head faster than I thought. My arm dropped to my side as my fingers went numb, the rest of my body following. The portal snapped shut just as I lost all feeling, black and red clouds covering my eyes.

\--

It’d been dark for a while now. Shit, did I die for real? If I did, I think Jensa might kill me. I couldn’t move, everything hurt.

Oh man, Jensa was going to kill me regardless.

Something sharp went into my arm.

“Ow!”

The person next to me jumped, making the needle pushed halfway into my arm bob painfully. The ceiling was white, different than the one at the therapist.

“… Huh?”

“Miss… can you hear me…?”

I turned my head to look at the person who was still holding a needle in my arm. “Yeah…?”

“Oh… I wasn’t sure. Hold on a moment,” she injected the contents of the needle, “I’ll go get the doctor.”

“Mm.” Still confused. Where the fuck?

Another woman came in followed by the first. “Miss Coal how are you feeling?”

“… Confused?”

“Do you know what happened to you?”

What the fuck? I moved to sit up but was immediately pushed back down by the woman with the needle. “Please lay flat, you may still be injured.”

“I’m fine,” I grumbled, pushing her arm away. An iron strong force weighed down on my shoulders an instant later, pinning me to the bed with little room to move.

“Please. You were unconscious for a few days,” the doctor smiled.

“Days?!” Jensa was going to kill me.

Jensa was going to kill me, raise me from the dead and kill me again.

“Let me go!” I growled, kicking off the blanket only to have my legs fastened down with the same force. “I need to leave! Someone’s going to be looking for me!”

“Do you mean Miss Elskar? We just informed her via telepath that you are awake. Please calm down.”

I think I felt the rumble of her footsteps before the sound echoed loudly down the hallway, moments later accompanied by a very angry eyed woman.

“Mido!” she cried, making a beeline towards me despite the doctor’s efforts to hold her back. “Are you alright? How’s your head?”

I gurgled uncomfortably as the force against my limbs disappeared, just as Jensa grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into her chest.

I still couldn’t move very much, but I leaned my head into her as at least a small gesture of affection.

“Hey. Sorry. I passed out right? I’m sorry. But I’m okay, see?”

“Your nose was bleeding,” she explained softly into my hair, “And you wouldn’t wake up… You had blood all over your face…”

“It’s okay,” I said soothingly, “I’m okay now. It was an accident.”

“An accident? Are you kidding? I saw your apartment Mido.”

“My apartment?” I asked, trying to move my legs so I could sit up properly. My feet were numb in spots, but they slowly curled up under me.

“I went to your apartment two days ago and it was trashed. I couldn’t find you anywhere.” She clamped my head between her hands. “I asked a tracker Nora knew to find you.”

“Oh.” Oh. Did she think I was attacked? “I was trying to open a portal to my Room. I just pushed it too far. That’s all, I promise.”


	3. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mido is having nightmares.

“Mido…? Why are you in here…?"

It took several seconds for me to process her words and look up at her face from where I was huddled against the bathroom wall. Shit, I had fallen asleep. “Oh… I just wasn’t feeling well.”

“Do you need your medication?”

“No… I just. Nightmares, I guess.”

Her head tilted to the side in concern. “About what? You can talk to me if you want.”

“It’s nothing,” I shook my head, the explanation too long and even if I did explain I knew she’d worry needlessly. “I just didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Do you want to come back?”

I nodded slowly, holding out my arm for her to help me up – or pick me up, since she could. My legs were numb from sitting so long.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? It can help if you do…” she insisted, laying me down carefully in the king-sized bed and maneuvering my feet expertly under the covers.

“It’s fine, Jensa,” I sighed. “You get in too, before all the warmth goes out.”

There was a moment where she looked like she might argue, but decided against it and climbed in next to me. “Let me know if you need more of the meds, though, okay?”

“Mm,” I mumbled, curling up against her back, forehead against her neck.

“And you’re sure that’s comfortable?” she asked for what had to be the twentieth time since I started living with her.

“It’s good,” I murmured, nearly asleep once more. “Just don’t steal the blankets, okay?”

I knew there was no way she could, sleeping so close to me, but she smiled and was asleep in a few minutes.

I was tempted to get out of bed once more, knowing I would not fall asleep for some time and even if I did I would wake myself up within a few hours with another nightmare. But the time in the bathroom had all but crippled my legs until morning unless I wanted to massage them awake again.

So I laid there, thinking, and I couldn’t honestly say when I finally fell asleep.

\--

Jensa moved from her spot, waking me up a few hours later. It was morning, god dammit, and she wasn’t one for sleeping in.

“Wake up Mido,” she called, pulling the blankets off and beginning the slow process of stretching my legs out. I groaned at her. “You’re coming with me today, so you have to get dressed.”

Another groan. I hate mornings.

“Up, up,” she giggled, tickling my feet for a moment before realizing it wouldn’t work if I couldn’t feel it. She grabbed one and slowly began massaging until my toes curled inwardly. “You need to take a shower too.”

“Why did I have to fall in love with a _morning_ person,” I hissed, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “Being up at this time doesn’t physically hurt you? Really?”

Jensa’s smile could probably have inspired an army, it was so big and self-indulging. “I love you too, even if you hate the sun.”

“I just hate it before ten o’clock,” I mumbled, pretending to ignore her smile as she helped me out of my shorts and t-shirt to get in the shower.

“You good by yourself?” she asked, looking at the clock on the wall.

“Yeah, yeah, go get ready,” I waved her off, stumbling to the shower and sitting heavily once inside.

Jensa was too nice to me, in effect baby-proofing her house so I could get around with ease. A seat in the shower; two railings on the stairs so I could use it going up or down; a bar next to the toilet to lean on so I could stand.

I leaned against the wall, shivering at the temperature. Really, I doubt she even did so consciously. They had shown up at different times, probably after she noticed me struggling with something.

Goddamned treasure, and I absolutely didn’t deserve her.

“Mido? Almost done?”

“Hang on,” I called, washing the last of the soap off. “Give me a minute to get a towel.”

“… It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked.”

I blushed. “When?!”

“A week after the prison break, remember? You took a bath here after you finally broke out of Larimer’s illusion.”

I frowned. “Really?”

“Yeah?” There was a pause then much quieter, “Do you not remember?”

“… I’m sorry. I can’t. I… so much of what happened…” I shut off the water and sat there for a moment, letting the water drain. “It was this bathroom?”

“Yeah.” Her voice sounded higher than usual.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. He fucked with your head, it’s not your fault.” I opened the door, towel wrapped as tightly around me as I could manage with one arm and she covered me in a hug. “It’s not your fault.”

We stood there for a moment, water dripping onto the tiles, until Jensa decided I had gotten enough of a hug and we really had to get going.

“Your underwear and shirt are on the bed; I’m going to go get your pants off the line.” She pushed me towards the bedroom, hand not at all accidentally on my ass.

“I’m going to punch you if they aren’t _my_ underwear,” I growled jokingly.

“Do you not like the ones I bought?” she called from downstairs, feigning ignorance for my pretend anger.

“Your tastes are a bit different from mine.” Oh good, they were my regular ones.

“But you wouldn’t look bad in them.”

“Mine will work just fine,” I laughed, hopping around until I had managed to get both the underwear and the shirt on.

“Mm. Well, hurry up. Sabella doesn’t like you to begin with.”


	4. Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are Imperials in the city, and they want Mido's help.

“… I’m feeling tired. Can you go ahead?”

“I can carry you,” Jensa answered with a smile, entirely too happy to be meeting her boss.

“No, I need the exercise. You go ahead, I’ll catch up after I rest for a bit.”

She paused, looking me up and down, but decided against whatever questions she obviously had. “Okay, take your time.”

She trotted off, twice as quickly as before. My pace was quite a bit slower than hers, it must’ve be infuriating to stay with me for even this much of the trek to Sabella’s office.

But my worry was with the mark on the bottom of the wall we had just passed, so small it was barely noticeable.

It was a mark I had only seen twice while in towns overtaken by the revolutionary army, a mark the Imperials left as a marker for a hiding place.

There were Imperials in the city.

I looked it over, trying to remember what Larimer had taught me about such marks. I had little need for hiding places, but he had said it might be good if I could help transport troops that had gotten too far behind enemy lines.

I hobbled into the shop it was scrawled on, looking for another sign, another clue that could lead me to the Imperials’ nest.

“Hello, welcome! Anything I can help you find?” I jumped at the woman’s voice.

“Oh um…” How odd for someone to talk to me of their own volition. Much more often I got looks or angry whispers. “I… just browsing, I guess.”

She looked at me quietly for a moment, before understanding flooded her eyes. “You’re that famous warden, aren’t you?”

My teeth snapped together on my tongue. “Oh. Yes. Sorry to have bothered you.”

“No, no,” she whispered, pulling me towards the back, “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. It must be hard for you in this city, yes?”

“I guess…” I answered slowly, confused if nothing. “I mean; most people don’t like the idea of a former Imperial warden staying in their capital outside a prison.”

“Yes, you must tell us how you managed that.”

“’Us’…?” my voice trailed off slowly as she brought me further and further into the back of the shop, until we came across a cellar door concealed in a wall.

Shit.

I stepped downwards into the dark slowly, knowing exactly what I’d find there.

“Eh, Kella? It’s not lunch so what is…” There were thirteen men and women piled around the walls of the cellar, the Imperial crest on the walls.

“Oh? Isn’t that Larimer’s warden?”

Shit. Shit. Shit!

“I didn’t know the Empire even had troops here,” I said cautiously. “It’s pure luck I saw the mark out front.”

“I knew that would bring some more in,” the shopkeeper smiled warmly. “Now that we have the warden, we can finally do something about the revolution’s leader, Sabella!”

“But… it’s over. The Empire lost.”

“The Empire simply lost its leader. It’s not as if we’ve lost the country,” she snapped. “You’re currently being held under surveillance by the Angel of Death, yes? If you can just imprison her, then we might stand a chance at overthrowing her!”

“She’s not holding me captive!” I blurted before I could stop myself. “Uh… It’s just, since I lost my arm…” There was a pause. There’s no way it could be that, right?

“Has it been hard, under her eye? It’s lucky you were able to sneak away to find us.”

“… Yeah.” Dammit. I had to compose myself quickly or I’d blow it. “I should get going though, or she’ll get suspicious.”

“Oh, of course, of course!” Kella smiled. “Please come back any time!”

“Thank you,” I said as politely as possible, bile rising in my throat. “I’ll see if I can slip away again.”

These people had to go. They were dangerous. There was no way they could be allowed to stay in this city as long as Jensa was there.

I would either have to kill them or teleport them so far away I’d never have to worry about them ever again.

And I was very aware I did not have the stamina for the second option.

\--

It was only when Jensa’s fingers tapped my shoulder that I finally jerked to attention, unaware that I had been staring at the wall for who knows how long.

“Oh. Jensa. Um.” Shit. “What time is it?”

Her eyes looked scared. “… It’s three in the afternoon.”

I looked at the front door, confused as to when I had gotten there.

“Where did you go?” she asked slowly. “You missed the meeting with Sabella. Where have you been?”

I took my eyes from hers and looked at the floor, trying to remember what had happened after I had left Kella’s shop. Why had I walked back to Jensa’s apartment?

“Mido.”

I was certain she had called to me before touching me, I must have ignored her. “Yes?”

“Did you go to your Room?”

“What? No, I can’t.”

“Then why are you covered in blood?”

I looked down at my shirt, finally aware of the dried brown stains on my front. I immediately went to wipe at my face, pausing when my hand was already streaked with blood as well.

“… This is mine, right?” my voice cracked, I couldn’t help it. There were so many memories I had yet to fully recover of my time with Larimer, so many gaps in my life that I wasn’t sure would ever be filled.

“Mido, what did you do? After I left?”

“The…” I caught myself. She was keeping an eye on me for Sabella, right? What would she do if she knew I had met with some Imperials?

“Mido,” she repeated, kneeling in front of me, “Please tell me. I know it’s been hard here in the city for you, but you need to tell me what happened.”

Dammit. I couldn’t remember the shop’s name. I could so easily drop an anonymous tip into the revolutionaries’ hands and be done with it, but first I had to find the shop once more. I stood, almost forgetting Jensa was still waiting for an answer.

“Sit down,” she ordered, yanking me back. “What happened?”

“I got tired. I don’t remember. I came back,” I mumbled – as close to the truth as I would get it.

“What do you mean you don’t remember? Did someone do something to you?” I refused to answer, no way I would tell her when even I myself didn’t know what happened. “…Was it something Larimer put there?”

“No!” I yelped, hating even the sound of his name. “Is that why you want to know?! Because Larimer could still be fucking with my head?!”

“Mi-” “Is that why you insisted I stay with you?! To make sure I wasn’t still under his control?!”

Shit.

I said more than I wanted to.

“… I’m leaving.” I jumped up from the couch once more, twisting away from her and opening a portal.

“Stop!” she shouted, grabbing my arm. My portal snapped shut as my concentration evaporated.

She opened her mouth as if to say something, closed it again, opened it again, but nothing came out.

“Please tell me I’m wrong,” I whispered, tears leaking down my face. “I don’t want to believe that. If you just…” I took a heaving breath before collapsing to the floor. “I don’t care if you lie, please just tell me that’s not the reason you stay with me.”

“It’s not,” she answered quickly, sitting down and wrapping her arms around me. “I love you. I love you Mido.”

“I love you too,” I cried weakly, crying onto her shirt. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I just… I’m so sorry…”

“It’s okay,” she cooed, fingers curling into my hair. “I’m just worried Mido, sometimes you don’t remember things. I know it’s not your fault. He… I’m just worried he’s still hurting you.”

I grabbed the back of her shirt, holding her as tightly to me as I could. I wanted to feel her reaction to my words. “Today, when I asked you to go on without me. I found some Imperials hiding here in the city.”

She stiffened.

“Wait, please just listen,” I pleaded, “I wasn’t with them, I promise. I just wanted to make sure they weren’t active; I didn’t want you to be in danger…”

“What did you do Mido?”

“I met with them. They wanted me to kill you.”

She waited in silence for me to continue.

“I told them I would,” my voice started going all over the place, cracking and shaking.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, rubbing my back. “I believe you. It’s okay.”

“I don’t…! I think…” my memory started to trail off from there. “I don’t remember what happened after that, just that I came here.”

She nodded, not letting me up, just kept me trapped against her. “I promise, it’s going to be okay. I don’t know what happened, but I believe you.”

“They wanted to kill y-you,” I felt a lump grow in my throat as I continued to cry. “What if they had an illusionist…?”

“I’m still here, you aren’t being controlled. You’re still here. It’s okay.”

“What did I do?” I croaked, remembering I still had blood all down the front of my shirt. “What if I hurt someone?”

“Let’s get Sabella. She can help. We’ll retrace your steps.”

“She’ll think I’m an Imperial!” I whimpered, “She’ll lock me in that cell… She’ll kill me…”

“I won’t let her,” Jensa snapped, holding me to her chest as she stood. “Even if she tries, I won’t let her.”

“I’m sorry,” I continued, fingers clenching at her shirt, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I should have said something…”

“It’s okay,” Jensa said softly, walking me to the kitchen and lifting me onto one of the counters. “It’s not your fault. Deep breaths,” she grabbed two cups from the shelf and began making tea. “Do you remember where they were?”

I shook my head. “Just the symbol. I saw it, it was… I think it was from the Fourth Regional Division. I can’t remember it well but I think they were from the fourth.”

“How many people were there?”

“At least one… two squads. She…” my voice trailed off as my mind began slipping from the story.

“Mido?”

“She owned the shop,” I continued after a moment. “She was one of them.”

“Do you remember her face?” She reached forward to hand me a fresh cup of tea but it slipped through my fingers, smashing onto the floor.

I doubled over, holding my hand to my mouth to keep from vomiting. “I killed them.”

“What?” Jensa was leaned over, half to get the shards of the cup and half to see if I was alright.

“I killed them. I… I smashed them to death. I dropped a building… They weren’t even…” My stomach bile began to rise again, remembering what their bodies had looked like after the dust had settled. “I couldn’t tell the difference between their bodies they were too…”

“We need to go see Sabella,” Jensa put down her cup of tea and grabbed me off the counter. “And Zeeb. This isn’t normal.”


	5. Truth (From Jensa)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Odd chapter out from Jensa's point of view as Mido is unconscious from Larimer's control.

Jensa looked up when Zeeb’s door opened, but only he exited.

“Is she okay?”

“She passed out half way through, so she’s sleeping right now. And before you freak out,” he continued, seeing her worried face, “She’s fine. Just tired.”

“Was anything there?”

Zeeb nodded, pursing his lips, “I didn’t catch it the first time – it took hours to get through, I just missed it.”

“Missed what?”

“A bug, of sorts,” Zeeb sat down beside her, “Eating at her memory. He probably put it there to keep from incriminating himself if she ever got loose or captured – it was eating memories pertinent to him or the Empire.”

Jensa remained silent, thinking through all the times Mido had looked at her – confused. The bathroom, the store, the time they first met, so many others.

The day she had woken up in the hospital, without an arm and unable to walk. She had been so confused, wondering what had happened.

“I should have said something,” she finally sighed, holding her head in her hands. “I noticed… I saw that she was forgetting things. I just didn’t want to push her.”

“It’s not your fault either,” Zeeb prodded her lightly with his elbow. “Let’s not forget, it’s this asshole that planted the illusion. Not you, not her.”

The corner of her mouth tipped up, thankful for his words.

“… She was mumbling a lot too, while I was in her head.”

Her eyebrows arched.

“She kept asking to remember you. Because it hurt. She wanted to remember you while I was getting the illusion out.” Zeeb’s teeth poked over his bottom lip as he noticed Jensa’s blush. “You two are living together, huh?”

“I’m going to check on her,” Jensa stood, followed by Zeeb’s knowing eyes.

Mido was sleeping in the largest chair in the room, head leaning on her shoulder.

“Hey,” Jensa whispered, closing the door and drawing closer. “Don’t say cute shit about me when I can’t hear you.” Her hand dropped to Mido’s head, playing with the strands around the girl’s ears. “I’ll get big in the head, and then you’ll never get rid of me.”

Mido didn’t answer, just kept sleeping, and that was fine.


	6. Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mido would like to make some memories with Jensa, only to be interupted by someone from Jensa's past.

“I… want to take a bath… with you.”

Jensa’s hand stopped its curls as she wrote before she looked up at me slowly – face both shocked and smiling. “Huh?”

“I don’t remember the first time, so… I want to give myself a good memory.”

What was I even saying?

“… Okay,” she said slowly, smile not moving from her face. “Right now?”

“When you’re done,” I shrugged, blush making its way down my neck. “Whenever I guess.”

There was a knock at the door and I jumped.

“You go upstairs, I’ll be right up, okay?” she smiled, putting down her pen.

“… Okay,” I said grudgingly, shambling towards the staircase to begin the trek upwards.

Jensa opened the door and I stopped, looking back at her for a moment. Her face was frozen, tense and uncomfortable.

I wanted to ask, ask who it was, but I kept my mouth shut. She finally spoke.

“… Koen.”

“You’re not inviting me in?”

It was a man’s voice; one I hadn’t heard before.

“I’m busy right now. What do you want?”

“Is that warden still here?” he asked, his head tilting into Jensa’s apartment. His eyes caught mine and he frowned. “Isn’t it time you got rid of her?”

“What do you want, Koen?” Jensa’s voice was a monotone growl.

“I was back in the city, wanted to see an old friend,” he explained. “Why is she still here? You know she can’t be trusted.”

I sat down on the stairs, my legs shaking too much to keep me standing. I knew that name, Koen. It was the name of one of her original squad mates, before she was pronounced dead by the Empire and infiltrated my compound.

“I trust her,” Jensa snapped, fingers biting into the doorframe. “If that’s all, I’m closing the door.”

“Keep an eye on her,” Koen warned. “She’s an Imperial soldier, no matter how you slice it. You don’t just let that go.”

Jensa’s hand moved faster than my eyes could follow, and Koen disappeared in the blur. “She’s not like that!” she screamed, throwing the door open wide to stomp out. Koen was laying on his back, nose bleeding. “She’s my -!”

Her voice cut off as my face collided with her back, arm wrapped around her front for purchase. I had followed her out, forgetting how little my legs worked, and nearly fallen face first into the pavement.

“It’s okay,” I wheezed, not used to moving so much after months of inactivity. “I’m… It’s okay. Don’t. You’ll kill him.”

“Good,” she spat, so angry she was shaking.

“It’s not,” I pleaded. “He’s your friend. And he’s not wrong. I was an Imperial solider.”

She turned so quickly I nearly fell once more. “You were being controlled. You couldn’t…” her voice trailed off, then she turned back to Koen. “You’re wrong. The minute she was free of the illusion on her, she’s done nothing… _nothing_ but help the Resistance. If you can’t accept that, don’t bother coming back here. I won’t have a reason to open my door.” She picked me up and stalked back into the house, slamming the door behind her.

“Shouldn’t you talk to him?” I squeaked from her shoulder as her feet pounded up the stairs.

“Nothing to talk about,” she snapped, dropping me onto the bed. “Now,” she said, taking a breath. “Bath.”

“We can do it later…” I stopped my protests as she yanked off her shirt, and then helped me out of mine. “Or now. Now’s good too. If you want to.”

She smiled, pulling each of my legs from their pant sleeves before slipping off hers as well. “You get your underwear off and I’ll get the water going, hmm?”

My face turned bright red once more as she headed into the bathroom. My mind was still trying to understand what had happened downstairs though. Had he come over, just to say that?

I sat there for a moment, in my underwear, unsure if I should ask about Koen. I didn’t know much about him, Jensa having always gone silent when it came to talking about her old squad.

Was it my position to ask?

She came back before I was ready, still sitting there in my underwear when she was now naked.

“You alright?” she asked.

“Yeah… Are you?”

Jensa sighed, kneeling down to pick me up. “Koen has never been great with accepting change. Sorry if I made you nervous.”

“No,” I said quickly, “Not nervous. I just, I worry I guess.”

Jensa laughed before dropping me into the tub. I sputtered to the surface, drenched immediately, underwear and all. “I don’t think a day will go by when you stop worrying.” She slipped in next to me and turned the water back on to keep the bath warm. “But you don’t have to. Koen was much closer to Sansha than any of us. I don’t think he’ll ever fully trust someone who worked for the Imperials – regardless of whether or not they wanted to.”

I lowered my head into the water so I could blow bubbles at the surface, thinking. “But she was your best friend.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t need to say any more than that. Jensa had ties to people I did not know, and could not ask about. So, I left it.


	7. North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensa and Mido take a trip up north to meet Mido's family.

“Oh, fuck this.”

I grabbed Jensa’s hand before she could make her way back into the portal. “It’ll pass. It’s just a little storm.”

“My snot is frozen. Literally. I can feel ice in my nose.”

“Southerner,” I mumbled jokingly, taking my mittens off and cupping my warm hands around her face. “Next time we’ll go somewhere warm okay?”

I felt her cheeks move in my hands, a smile. “Okay.”

I had managed to get the portal to the old quarry on the northern edge of Winoshet, but I could feel the blood crystalizing inside my nose. I wouldn’t be able to portal us away even if I wanted to. At the very least, I would need a few days’ rest. “We need to head into Winoshet first,” I instructed Jensa as she picked me up on impulse. “Dinah should where we can find my family.”

“’Where’?” Jensa asked incredulously.

“It’s not like we could be stationary, what with all this snow,” I laughed, knowing my words made no sense to her. “It’s normal to move around to where the wind is lightest and the ground is sturdiest. Dinah keeps track of the families as they come in to town for buying and selling. He’ll tell us which direction we need to head.”

I smiled as Jensa gave me a sour look. “How often do you move?” she asked, her boots sinking up to her knees in the snow.

“Not in the winter very often – too many storms. Flooding season is probably when we move most often... I remember one year we had to move three days in a row to keep from being buried in the mud slides,” I laughed, Tema Mar’s face every time we were packing up that year became so red with anger; she’d spend half the time cursing at the ground and the other half at the sky.

“Is that it down there?” Jensa asked, pointing at the roofs sprinkled into the white landscape.

“Yes, you’ll want to head towards the center; that’s where Dinah is. It’s the one with the red and black tiles.”

Jensa nodded, taking a running leap from the nearest bit of uncovered rock, landing on ice and falling instantly onto her back.

“Are you okay?!” Jensa immediately looked to me in case I’d been hurt by the hard landing, but I was barely containing my tears from laughter. “It’s not funny,” she growled, half joking.

“I don’t know,” I giggled through tears, “Maybe a little.”

“Who was that?” the voice came from the left of them, the snow from Jensa’s – to be honest, I don’t know what it would be considered – settling slowly in the wind.

“Dinah?” I called experimentally. The voice had sounded similar to his.

The snow finally cleared and there stood Dinah, snow up to his thighs. He had always been a short man, but he was getting shorter as he aged. His usually dark hair was a light silver, as if he had snow covering his head.

He looked at me for a moment, trying to place my face after all the years I had been gone.

“… Mido?” he squinted at me. “That’s Mido, yes?”

I smiled broadly as Jensa helped me up. “It’s been a while Dinah. I finally outgrew you.”

“And who’s this one?” Dinah asked, leading the way back to his home to get out of the storm.

“This is Jensa,” I grabbed her hand as she stepped up the stairs to the door. “Jensa, this is Dinah.”

Jensa nodded, too cold to open her mouth and let her breath cool. Dinah looked from her to me before tapping his two index fingers together, raising one eyebrow. “Are you two…?”

“Yes,” I said quickly, feeling my face heat.

Dinah’s smile swept across his mouth. “Wonderful! When did you meet?”

I looked to Jensa, her understanding of the timeline far less fuzzy than my own.

“Around eight months ago,” Jensa said proudly, matching Dinah’s smile with her own.

“I suppose you’d be looking for your family then?” Dinah asked, turning back to me. “They’ll be mad you haven’t come back in so long.”

I laughed nervously; of that, I was well aware.

“Well, it might take a bit of time for them to get back to me, so go ahead and set down in the common room. I’ll get Hija to make something warm.”

“She’s here?” I asked curiously – it was a name I had not heard in years.

“She’s my daughter in law now,” Dinah smiled, “She’s got quite the gift. She’ll probably take over for me some day and do a damn good job at it. Best watch your toes for Minan, though.”

As if she was waiting for her name to be spoken, a tiny girl who came only to Jensa’s knee ran into the main way, nearly knocking Dinah over as she collided with him. Dinah laughed, pulling her around his front so we could get a good look at her.

Her hair was much like Dinah’s used to be, dark and full. It was braided – certainly by Dinah’s daughter, I’d seen how he’d fumble with his own hair – into curls circling the rim of her face with knots so tight even an overly energetic child could not knock them out.

“Tema!” she immediately pointed to Jensa, eyebrows furrowed with purpose.

“You don’t even know her name!” Dinah laughed, grabbing the girl before she could run away again. “She can’t be Tema!”

He laughed at the thought, but all I could think about now was Jensa having a child. Not sure if that was amusing, terrifying, or adorable; but most probably all of the above.

“’Tema’?” Jensa asked quietly, leaning down to my eye level.

“’Tema’ means caregiver, or mother. We live in family groups, so often the birth mother is not the only person taking care of the child,” I explained as Dinah tried to point Minan in a direction that would not lead her into another person’s legs. “The child picks who they call Tema, however. It’s a sign that you are very close with them.”

“So, her calling me Tema…”

“She’s probably only just learned the word,” I smiled, kissing her nose while it was where I could easily reach it.

Jensa smiled at the surprise kiss, nodding. The tradition didn’t make it down into the former Empire, let alone her own birth country, only my homeland used it. It was a word I had nearly forgotten in the years since I had left.

“So, what was it?” a woman’s voice called from the common room.

“Mido, with a girl!”

Hija stomped into the room a second later, eyes wild with confusion. “… Oh,” she sighed in relief, “I thought you meant she had a child with her.”

Dinah laughed at Hija’s relief, and I couldn’t blame her. I had never been one to work well with children, far too willing to go along with demands their Temas would kill me for accommodating.

“Well get out of the main way and come in already, you look like you’re about to die of the cold,” Hija looked at Jensa pointedly, at the shivering that seemed to have overtaken her entire body.

Jensa followed her inside, cold fingers still clasped around mine. Dinah’s home still looked the same, heater in the back of the common room with a warm glow that filled the entire house, the small silvery bags still hanging above it. My nose twinged at the sight; how long ago had I lost mine, cutting off all contact I had to Dinah and my family?

I dropped into the chair second nearest to the heater, Jensa practically jumping into the heater itself to try and warm herself.

“You’ve gotten bigger,” Hija commented from her chair across from the us.

I slipped my coat off as the warmth finally settled into my skin. “At the very least taller,” I laughed softly as both Dinah’s and Hija’s eyes went to my empty sleeve.

“… What happened?” It was Hija to speak first, Dinah just kept staring as if looking longer would change what was there.

“Near the end of the war,” I started quietly, “I was trying-”

“She lost it protecting me,” Jensa cut in, gripping my hand. “I would have been killed if she hadn’t been faster than the person I was fighting.”

Hija lifted her chin, obviously mad. “So, it’s your fault.”

“No,” I snapped viciously.

Hija looked at me, eyes lidded. “Then explain.”

“You’re aware of Mido’s ability, yes?” Jensa asked, voice deepening as she tried to control her anger.

“Of course,” Hija said, hushing Dinah as he tried to calm her.

“The man I was fighting had taken pieces of her Room to create a weapon that nullifies Magis,” Jensa said sternly. “I wasn’t aware of that fact until he had almost cut off my head – when Mido jumped in front of me.” Her chest rose and fell as she sighed. “It was no one’s fault but his.”

“What were you doing in the middle of a fight that deadly?” Hija snapped at me this time. “Did they have you fight to the death at the Imperial Academy?”

“No,” I shook my head, “But you know why I left. I thought helping the Empire would-”

“No,” Hija growled, interrupting me, “You didn’t.”

“What?”

“Are you kidding me?” she scoffed.

“I left to help the Empire,” I repeated. “That was my decision, whether it was a good one or not.”

“Bullshit,” Hija shook her head, leaning so far forward in her seat she was almost standing. “I remember when you left. All the Temas in your family were always talking about you – you’d portal yourself off to who knows where at all times of the day. You’d be gone for hours at a time! Constantly! And you came home one day and announced that you – a thirteen-year-old _child_ – were going to go to the Imperial Academy! Because no one here could help you with your ability!”

She waited for me to speak, and when I didn’t, she continued. “You were thirteen! As if you knew _anything_ about anything! By the time you were fifteen they couldn’t hope to keep you in one place. So, they agreed! And now you’re coming home – five years later after not contacting us since the first year – and suddenly you’re in the middle of a revolt?! You lost your arm and you couldn’t be bothered to let Mar know?! Let Dinah know?!” She was yelling now, face and nose red with anger.

I wasn’t sure how my face looked, I’m sure not as remorseful as she was hoping for. Not as laden with guilt.

But honestly, I was lost.

I had left to help the Empire.

Right?

“So…” I started quietly, fear welling up in my stomach, “I didn’t leave to join the Empire.”

“Apparently you did!”

“Hija,” I growled, “Why did I leave?”

She frowned, taking a step back into her chair. “What?”

“Why did I leave here?”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, confused more than angry now.

“The man I was fighting,” Jensa added slowly, “He had an illusion Magis. She was… caught under his illusion for almost three years.”

“What?” Hija sat down fully.

“I first met him at the Academy,” I explained, “I don’t remember exactly when – but it was in the second year I was there. He…” I gulped at the lump in my throat, squeezing Jensa’s hand for support. “He used me, used my ability, to hurt other Magis. He made sure I would never betray him, no matter what.”

Hija was well and truly silent now.

“I began working as a warden, for a prison he built in my Room. I don’t know how for how long. Jensa was the one to realize what was happening. She saved me.” My vision blurred as tears formed in my eyes. “I didn’t come back because I couldn’t. What he did,” I stopped for a minute, my throat closing at the memory. “He broke something in me. I couldn’t use my ability. That’s why I couldn’t dodge. That’s why I lost my arm.”


	8. Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mido and Jensa continue on their trip to Mido's home village.

Minan had fallen asleep in the middle of the common room by the time we were done talking. Winoshet had very few Magis, with very limited abilities – understanding who and what Larimer was and what he did had taken time to explain fully.

I told them about the prison, the torture Larimer had set like a trap inside my mind, about the fall of Karazo, and the fall of the Imperial Fortress. Jensa had added in what my mind had not let me remember – how we met, how Zeeb had taken the illusion out twice, and so many other memories I wish I had.

By the time I had gotten around to explaining that my Magis was working better now, and that my ability with it was rekindling, Dinah was nearly asleep himself.

“What do you mean, another Room?” Jensa interrupted me, startling Dinah from his near doze.

“I forgot to tell you about that?” I laughed lightly and then immediately clarified with the worried looks from Jensa and now Hija. “It’s a bit new for me too. I’m still getting a grasp on it.”

“What do you mean?” The two asked at the same time.

I sighed, frowning. “Honestly… I’m not really sure. It’s started showing up more often since I got out of the hospital. It’s similar to my original Room but… I don’t know how to describe it – the feel of it, it’s different.”

Two identical confused faces.

“To open my Room,” I started slowly, “I have to ‘feel’ it, in a way. Like moving your arm. But I’ve been doing that my whole life. So, I know what it ‘feels’ like to do that, even if it takes more energy now than it did before. On the other hand, this other Room… I don’t know what it ‘feels’ like to open. It’s not something I’ve been able to grasp yet.”

Jensa looked a bit lost still.

“If it opens again, I’ll show you,” I laughed.

Dinah snorted loudly, getting to his feet. “Yes! I can hear you.”

Jensa glanced sideways at me, obviously a little confused.

“Dinah is a telepath,” I whispered. She nodded and looked back, waiting for him to continue.

“Good, good, I guess I’ll see you then. Guess who’s here now?” There was a pause in his one-sided conversation. “Mido! And she’s got a girl!”

Another pause.

“No, a partner,” Dinah scoffed. “You think that girl could handle a child?” He laughed. “Yes, well, I think you’ll want to hear her excuse yourself,” he nodded solemnly to himself. “Alright, till then.”

We all looked at him expectantly.

“That was Mar. Looks like they’ll be coming in as soon as the storm blows over, so she said you should just stay put until then. We’ve got quite a few spare rooms this time, so take your pick.”

“Mido,” I paused in my unsteady rise out of the chair as Hija spoke. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. You too Jensa.”

“It’s okay,” I smiled. “I mean... I get it.”


	9. Scratch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mido begins to contemplate what she wants to do with her life now that the war is over.

“A trip up north?” I asked from my seat at the table as Jensa prepared dinner.

“Yeah,” Jensa said quietly, “A friend of mine was buried up near the Imperial capital, and it’s almost the two-year anniversary of her death.”

“Who?” I asked, keeping my voice even.

“Sansha.” Jensa’s voice was low, almost so I couldn’t hear it.

“Of course,” I said immediately, “Of course, I think I’ve got a portal near there…”

“I was… planning on going alone.” My eyes swerved towards the table.

“Oh, right, no problem.” My chest burned. “How long do you think you’ll be away?”

“No more than a few weeks,” Jensa sighed, obviously glad I hadn’t pressed her for details as to why I was not invited. “I asked Sabella to keep an eye on this place while I’m gone, so you don’t have to worry.”

I wanted to deny the immediate swell of jealousy that Jensa had told Sabella before myself. I knew Jensa didn’t mean anything by it – probably thought it was the best thing to do – but I had wanted for so long to talk to Jensa about her past. About Sansha, and Koen, and her life before I met her. About the battle of Boro’dan and everything before it; about everything she seemed so keen on keeping from me. It wasn’t like I didn’t notice when she changed the conversation whenever it came to her past.

I sighed quietly. Jensa would tell me in her own time, I just had to wait.

Whether I _liked_ waiting was entirely outside the point.

“Mido?”

“Yeah, that’s good,” I laughed, “Maybe I can take this time to exercise my portal.” It was a weak line, I knew, but she seemed to agree with it, nodding.

“Just don’t push yourself too hard. I don’t want to come back to you in the hospital, okay?”

“Okay,” I smiled.

\--

Staring at the ceiling while lying in bed wasn’t getting me anywhere, but I hardly had anything else to do. Going out into the city didn’t exactly sound like a promising idea, and there was nothing for me to do otherwise. My life, as of now, was utterly devoid of people besides Jensa.

I couldn’t make the trip up north without help to see my family. I had no friends from the war or graves to visit. I had more enemies than anything in the city.

I sat up slowly, craning from one angle to another to try and stretch my aching limbs. It had only been two days and already I missed having someone help me out of bed in the morning.

No, it wasn’t just out of bed. I missed relying on someone for everything. I had never grown out of it like a child should. I wasn’t allowed to, with Larimer conducting my every thought. It felt like the last real decision I made without anyone’s help was leaving home for the Empire.

I stood, leaning on the wall as I slowly pulled my clothing on. That was what I needed to fix; this intentional whim of mine to let others do everything for me, decide everything for me.

But how to go about changing that? I could portal outside the city, I could do any number of things, but nothing felt right. Nothing felt worthwhile.

I sat back down on the bed, my nose tingling. What, to me, was worthwhile? What prompted my last decision?

I smiled sadly at the memory, of how clouded it had become from abuse to my mind. The excitement was still there, though; I remembered how much I wanted to go. I wanted to become stronger, better. My ability was so different than I anyone else’s in my family, I wanted to see how far it could grow. I wanted to see what my Magis truly was.

Had I ever found out? I couldn’t remember if I had. I knew I had a Room, with dark edges. I knew it negated any Magis who stepped inside. I knew I could teleport even to places I couldn’t see.

And, I had more than one room. Another, green Room, it existed as well. And unlike the unrefined edges of hole into my dark Room, the green Room had a wooden door.

I raised my hand aloft, questioning whether I could summon it into existence. Like always, a portal cracked open in front of me; but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure where it went. A Room? A place?

Nowhere?

I stood, keeping my hand steady, and stepped inside.

Even without looking, I knew where it had taken me. The wind was so strong, it could be nowhere else. I looked around, the scenery having changed but feeling remaining the same. This was the training ground where I first met Larimer. It was wide field, built for Magis to test their limits. The building on the edge, one of the Academy storerooms, was destroyed. I had remembered hearing about that, while stationed at Karazo. That the rebels had demolished the Imperial Academy in a surprise attack.

The grass had grown nearly to the first rungs of the fence, barring the scorched craters where it could no longer sustain it.

My portal shuddered behind me, as if asking to close now that it had been used. I turned back to it, examining it.

Black, as if it opened into the emptiness of the night sky. The edges creaked and scratched at its existence, as if it were broken. It certainly mirrored its user, and had always done so.

I let it close, not in the mood to understand why that was. The fact that I had come to this place was reason enough. Not just where I had learned to use my Magis, but where Larimer had laid claim to it. The beginning of my problem.

\--

“How have your legs been feeling recently?” Katrin asked as she massaged my back expertly.

“Always sore, but I can walk around for longer. I can walk to the market district without having to stop now,” I smiled at my own progress.

“And your arm?”

“Twinges sometimes, but otherwise fine.”

Katrin nodded, moving her examination to my shoulder. At the beginning of my therapy, I had had a habit of overextending the muscles in it, always forgetting exactly how much force it took to move. “Any pain or soreness?” she asked, slowly moving down my arm with her fingers.

“No, all good,” I nodded.

“Okay, let’s stand up.” Katrin stood from her chair, watching intently as I managed to get out of mine. It still took longer, still took more work, but I could do it now in one try. “Good, fantastic. How did that feel? Any pain?”

“Just sore,” I laughed. Everything was sore. All the time.

“Okay, and let’s do one three step square.” She moved around to my side and watched as I stepped forward, to the side back, and to the side again. It was no trouble at all anymore.

“Looks great,” we returned to our chairs. “I’d say you’re making good progress. Still doing your stretches in the morning?”

“Usually,” I looked at my lap. “I haven’t the past few days.”

“Is everything okay? I remember you saying you had someone to help with them.”

“She’s gone at the moment,” I shrugged. “I just haven’t had the energy to.”

“Are you eating properly?”

“Okay, I guess.”

She paused, hands moving to her lap. “Have you been overworking your Magis?”

I shrugged again, feeling my shoulders fall forward defensively. “I’ve been trying to understand it better, since I haven’t really… ever had the time to get to know it. But,” I sighed. “I don’t know. Everything keeps going back to the person who did this to me,” I gestured vaguely at my legs. “It’s like I can’t move forward from him.”

“… Move forward to where?” she asked quietly.

“Just not here!” I snapped, exasperated. “I don’t want to someone’s help to walk! I’m sick of having someone’s hand on my neck every step of the way!”

“Whose hand is on your neck right now?”

“ _His_!” I shouted, tears bubbling into my vision. “I’m sick of having his _fucking_ hand on my neck! It wasn’t like I _wanted_ to do those things! I didn’t _want_ to fight in this war!”

She didn’t answer my outburst. My stomach felt like it might come out my throat, but I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t just Larimer, and I knew that. It was Sabella, it was the people who glared at me when I was on the street, the broken windows. It was Jensa’s past showing up on her doorstep to tell her I was no good, and her refusal to talk to me about it. It was the pain in my legs and my back and my heart. It was the jagged mess that was my Magis. It was the mess that was me.

Katrin’s hand lit up in a swirl of yellow and my attention immediately went to it.

“You know,” she began holding the bright flame aloft, “I volunteered as a doctor during the war. I fixed so many wounds. For the injuries that could not be fixed entirely, I fixed their pain, and as much of their body as I could.” She let the flame go out and returned her hands to her lap. “But I couldn’t fix their hearts. I couldn’t get rid of fear or grief. I couldn’t get rid of hopelessness or despair.” She closed her eyes, forehead crinkled. “There are some wounds that can’t be fixed with Magis alone. Wounds to the heart can’t be reversed like those to the body.

“What that man did to you… The things you had to endure. Even if your body can be rebuilt, your heart can’t. It is still hurting, and I can’t fix it for you. All I can do is help you fix it yourself. So, where do you want to move forward to?”

I thought about it, the anger and pain I had so completely wanted to forget. I wanted to forget the fear or being controlled, the anguish it left me in. There was so much I wanted to change about the past.

Even still, I knew that wasn’t possible. As much as I hated it, my life had nearly been wasted by Larimer and was now being wasted by myself. I wanted my freedom from him, from his influence, from his history, from his violence.

I wanted my freedom.

\--

It wasn’t long before Jensa returned the same when I felt so different. I still wanted to ask her about Sansha, about how she died, but it would have to wait again.

“I thought about it while you were gone, and I think I’m going to take a trip as well,” I announced after setting down the bowl of stew I had made in front of her. With nothing to do, I had become at least a little bit better at cooking with one hand, and I new this recipe by heart from my Temas.

“What?” I could tell she thought I was joking. “Where?”

“I’ve gotten pretty far in my physical therapy,” I started, all the points I wanted to make already memorized. “And I want to try and find what I was looking for when I first came to Remi.”

She nearly spit out the bite she had just raised to her mouth.

“I know the Imperial Academy was destroyed,” I nodded, keeping my eyes down. “But Katrin suggested a change of pace. I asked Sabella and… she said I could go so long as I checked out with Zeeb to be sure my…” I paused, my stomach jumping for a moment. “To be sure my mind is my own.”

“Um…” I had never seen her lost for words.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” she asked, pushing her soup to the side so she could slide her hand towards me. “I mean, traveling been really hard on your health in the past, right?”

“Just when I pushed myself too hard,” I assured her. “And Katrin said so long as I respect my limits that she would sign off on it.”

“But why so suddenly…?”

“Training my ability at the academy was the reason I came down here in the first place,” I squirmed in my chair. “And I just feel so lost here in the city. I don’t know anyone, I don’t have anything to do…” I sighed deeply, letting my body fall forward. “It’s hard to get out of bed when there’s nothing to do.”

I could tell she wanted to argue but couldn’t come up with a good reason.

“It won’t be as if I’m leaving forever. I’ll always have a portal anchored here to the city, so I can come back often. It’d be no more than a day at a time; and even then, we’d both be out of the house during daylight hours. The only difference would be I’m not sitting around all day.”

I wanted her to accept it. I wanted her to accept that I couldn’t stay put all day long, that I could do something with myself.

And I knew I wouldn’t argue if she said no.

“Are you sure going by yourself is okay?” she finally asked. “It’s been difficult for you to portal too much before, like when we visited your family…”

“I’ll try and go for areas much closer,” I assured her. “And this is something I want to try again.” I paused before mumbling, “Without anyone’s help.”

It was that point that she actually looked up at. Without anyone’s help.

“Is this about Larimer?” she asked quietly.

“A bit,” I admitted. “… Or a lot, I’m not really sure.”

She looked back down at the table for a moment before pulled the bowl back in front of her. “But it’s important to you.”

“Yeah.”

“Then that’s what matters.” She seemed more interested in reminding herself than me. “That’s all the matters.”


End file.
